Cedar Rapids paced the deck in front of the assembled crew, her brown ponytail swishing behind her. “Is this what we signed on for—not that we signed on, really––but is this what we were forcibly volunteered for? No!” She smashed a fist into her palm. “We’re fighting someone else’s war. And it’s a losing one!”

The men and women cheered in response.

“That’s right!” Cedar continued. “I mean, what do a few mining moons mean to us? We’re just simple people who want to live our lives, right? And I, for one, am definitely not fighting any more battles in a ship named The Unfortunate.”

Her audience cheered in response. She nodded and shot a triumphant glance at her subordinate, Commander Ashe, who stood a few feet away with his arms crossed.

“So,” she continued, “I say we start living and I say we start right––”

The door suddenly slid open, revealing their aging captain. “Ah, Commander Rapids,” he said as he caught sight of her. “Do you know, where is my digiPalm?”

Cedar cleared her throat and smiled at the captain. She shot another look at Ashe, this one a bit more panicked. “Captain,” she said, “this is a rather awkward time.”

“Oh?” the old man said, turning and searching the table beside him. “How so?”

Cedar gestured wildly at Ashe who in turn motioned to two men in the crowd.

“Well, I was just inciting mutiny, Captain” Cedar replied.

Startled, the captain turned and found himself restrained by two very large crewmen. “Commander?” he asked.

Cedar shrugged. “Nothing personal, sir. We just really want out of this war.” To the crewmen, she said, “Put him in a lifepod and disable his comms. Make sure his distress beacon is flashing before you launch him.”

The men nodded and hauled their former captain away. Cedar turned to her new crew. “Now to––” A crewman raised his hand. “Yes?”

“Couldn’t the captain stay?” the man asked. “I mean, maybe he’s tired of the war, too.”

There were murmurs of agreement.

Cedar sighed in annoyance. “That may be, but you generally don’t keep the captain when you mutiny. It defeats the whole purpose. Besides, I just had my heart set on the captain position. Fair enough?”

The crew nodded or mumbled “yes.”

“Good. Now let’s get to the taking over the ship part,” Cedar announced. “Command staff, join me on the bridge.”

They marched out and to their respective stations.

Cedar and the rest of the command staff took the bridge. Captain Rapids took her new seat in the middle of the room. “You know, this really is a nice chair,” she commented, giving it a spin. “And look! Cup holders.”

The faces of the crewmen in charge of disposing of their former captain suddenly appeared on the view screen. “We did what you said, Com––I mean, Captain Rapids. He’s away.”

“Good job, boys.” Cedar went to shipwide comms. “Let’s all have a moment of silence for our former captain.”

They all lowered their heads. Suddenly, a tremendous shudder ran through the ship. “What the bloody hell was that?!” Another shudder. “Are we being fired on?” she demanded.

The crew pushed buttons frantically.

“Nothing on radar, Commander,” the crewwoman got a sharp look from Captain Rapids.

“Registering no impacts, Comm––er, Captain,”

Another shudder. “Then what is THAT?” Cedar demanded.

She looked to the crewmen still on the view screen. “Did we forget to disable the captain’s comms?” she asked patiently.

“No, ma’am,” the man replied, quickly. “I did it myself.”

Another shudder. This time, Cedar was thrown out of her seat. “Oh, really!? So help me, if he managed to radio for a ship––”

“He did not, Commander,” A.N.T.I. Nola, the ship’s computer, informed her.

“Then who’s firing on us!?” Cedar demanded, scrambling back into her chair.

“No one,” Nola replied, calmly. “I am venting the oxygen tanks one by one, as per my programming.”

“You’re doing what?!” Cedar exclaimed. “Stop that!”

“I cannot, Commander. In the event of a mutiny, I am to vent all oxygen and await proper authorities.”

“That’s a bit uncalled for, don’t you think?” Cedar exclaimed.

Another shudder.

“I am sorry, Commander.”

“Wait a second,” Cedar said, standing. “Can’t we talk about this like two civilized…beings?” She looked to the Computer Officer and made the ‘kill it’ signal.

“I saw that, Commander,” Nola said, venting another tank.

“Hey!” Cedar exclaimed. “You’re gonna kill us!”

“I’m afraid that’s the point, Commander.”

“Wa it now, what if we stop mutinying?” Cedar asked.

“Then I will stop venting your oxygen,” Nola replied. “But you had better hurry. You only have four le––” The Computer Officer chose that moment to disconnect the A.I.

“Finally!” Cedar exclaimed. “Were you waiting for the computer to die of old age?”

“Sorry, ma’am.”

“Okay,” Cedar said, taking a breath. She turned to her Commander Ashe. “I think that went well, don’t you?”

The man, not given to overt demonstrations of emotion, merely frowned and said, “Captain, the A.I. has turned against us, we’re outlaws, we are dangerously low on oxygen, and we’re on the outskirts of civilized space.”

“Well, yes, but besides that?” Cedar persisted.

“Yes, besides that, everything went very well,” Commander Ashe said dryly.

“Thank you, I try.” Cedar turned to the Helmsmen. “Lay in a course for the nearest civilized planet.”

“Yes, ma’am.”

************

The closest planet turned out to be an obscure little dirtball even farther outside of civilized space than they already were. It was called Planet Demark, a world boasting a utopian society set amongst many natural and unspoiled wonders…or so the broadcast satellite announced every 5 minutes. They set down in the surprisingly high tech spaceport with ten minutes of oxygen left to spare.

The spaceport was the only real building in the area. The rest of the buildings seemed to be built into the natural features. Canopies billowed from trees, providing shelter from the sun. A stone archway had been positioned under the nearby waterfall to make a doorway through the cascading water. A stone path ran across the pond from the archway to the shore. Rocks along the pond’s shore had been carved into squares or rectangles for sitting on or using as tables.

Cedar shook her head. “Tourist planet,” she remarked. “Still, it’s better than a slow, suffocating death in space…I imagine. See, Commander? I told you everything would turn out all right.”

“Yes you did, Captain,” Ashe agreed.

A bald, wiry man dressed in flowing tan robes approached them, smiling broadly. “Welcome, friends,” he said, bowing. “You have set down in the Demark National Forest and also our capital city. It spans nearly 300 square miles. Our people peacefully coexist with the nature around us and we,” Cedar yawned and watched as a bird flew by, “ask that our guests do the same. We are proud to proclaim that we are completely at one with nature and ourselves. As such, we have outlawed all harmful substances,” Cedar snapped back to attention, “including all forms of drugs, alcohol, sugary foods, foods with excessive fat, and all caffeinated drinks––”

Cedar did an abrupt about-face. “Get back in the ship. We’re leaving.”

“We have ten minutes of air,” Commander Ashe reminded her as they made for the ship.

“Well, we’re on a planet. There’s air everywhere. Just open the doors and suck some in.”

“It doesn’t work that way,” Ashe replied. “We can replenish what’s floating freely through the ship, but we can’t refill the tanks that way. We’ll only gain a few more minutes.”

Cedar gazed wildly around. Something in the sky caught her eye. “There! How about that moon?”

“Moons do not generally have air, Captain.”

“Sure they do, Commander,” Cedar said. “Hey! Smiley Boy, come here.”

The grinning man returned. “Would you like to visit the waterfall café?” He pointed to the waterfall behind him. “It features an all tofu menu.”

“I think emphatically not,” Cedar said dryly. “Tell us about the moon.”

“It is the moon,” Smiley Boy replied.

“What’s it called?”

“The Moon.”

“Fair enough. If one were to go to this moon, would one find plentiful oxygen?”

“You cannot go to the moon,” Smiley Boy said in alarm. “It is a colony of those who have been exiled from Demark because they do not follow our ways.”

Cedar clapped her hands. “Sounds good to me. Let’s go there.”

“You cannot!” Smiley Boy insisted. “We cannot allow you to leave if you intend to go to the forbidden moon.”

Cedar shot a conspiratorial glance to Ashe and cleared her throat. “Okay, Commander. You heard the man. That’s too bad.” She turned back to Smiley Boy. “We’ll just be going, you know, someplace else. Definitely not the moon. Because that would be wrong.”

“Have a nice trip. Come again,” Smiley Boy called after them.

“Not bloody likely,” Cedar muttered.

They returned to where the rest of the crew was gathered on the launch pad.

“I won’t lie to you,” Cedar told them. “We could die trying to get to that moon…But sometimes you have to risk your life for what you believe in. And I for one believe in a person’s right to pollute their body with harmful substances. Who’s with me?!”

The crew cheered.

“Now lets go to the––” she shot a look back to where Smiley Boy was waiting a few yards away, “that place that is definitely not the moon.”

*******

They reached the moon with very little air to spare. They all surged out onto the docking area, gasping, and collapsed to the ground. Cedar inhaled deeply. “Smell that, Commander? That’s the smell of cheap whiskey and cigarettes.”

She struggled to her feet.

“I like this place already.” She helped her second-in-command to his feet. “Let’s go find someone to fix this ship.”

She addressed the crew at her feet. “Everyone just, you know, stay here and guard the ship. Commander Ashe and I will go do a little recon.”

They left the docking bay and almost immediately ran into two very large men brandishing equally large wooden clubs. “This place is not for you,” one of the men informed them.

“Yeah,” the other added, “it’s for outlaws, not shiny uniform people.”

He poked Commander Ashe in his shiny uniform.

Cedar put a hand up to stop the Commander from attacking the much larger man. “Gentlemen,” she said, smiling genially. “We are outlaws. We’re deserters.”

“We don’t eat people,” the one on the left informed her, soberly.

Cedar raised an eyebrow. “Good to know.”

His companion smacked him on the back of the head. “Not dessert. Deserters. They make dessert.”

Cedar and Ashe exchanged looks of disbelief.

“Okay,” Cedar said, “I can see I’m going about this all wrong.” She drew a few credit coins from her pocket. “Here. See credits? Credits good. Buy dessert. We give you credits, you let us go.”

The men debated this for a few moments. “Okay,” one said, finally.

Cedar gave them the coins, which they immediately handed over to a cat that peeked out of the bag on the left one’s back. “See our cat?” the man asked, petting its orange striped head. “We call him Mr. Smarty Pants.”

“Yes,” Cedar said dryly, “I imagine you do.”

The two men wandered happily away, leaving Ashe and Cedar free to continue on their way. “Okay, then,” Cedar said, “let’s go find an engineer and get the ship fixed.”

After a bit of asking around, they found their way to a little shop in a shadowy corner of the third level. There was only one human in the shop. The rest were automated repair bots that bustled around, cleaning or arranging the various parts on sale.

Cedar approached the human at the counter. “Hi, we need our ship repaired,” she said.

The man scrutinized them for a moment. “You’d be the owners of that Zeta Class Battle Cruiser that limped into port.”

“That’s us,” Cedar replied. “We need the O2 tanks replaced on decks 1 through 5.”

“Do not forget A.N.T.I. Nola,” Commander Ashe reminded her.

“Right, we need our A.I. reprogrammed, too.”

“Your aunt’s the A.I.?” the man asked.

“No. A-N-T-I. It stands for…something. I can never remember what.”

“Artifici––” Commander Ashe began to say, but Cedar cut him off.

“Not important. The question is, can you do it?”

The man grinned. “Not a problem.”

“Great,” Cedar said. “For the reprogram, all I need are the mutiny protocols removed…And anything else that might cause her to systematically murder us all. Okay?”

“I’ll take my team down and get started right away,” the man said.

“Okay, but, um, keep in mind that we don’t need anything fancy. Just the basic package.”

“Are you accusing me of cheating you?”

“Are we discussing price?”

“You pay after!”

“Good, I’ll save the accusations for then. Just remember, less is more…unless less results in a fiery, screaming death. Then more is more. Okay?”

The man glared at her and walked off, grumbling and motioning his repair bots to follow.

Cedar sighed in contentment. “That went well,” she remarked.

“Suspiciously well,” Ashe agreed.

Cedar ignored him. Instead, she said, “While we’re waiting, we might as well restock the supplies.”

“You mean, find a bar, Captain?”

“Yes.”

They set out for the lift but just as they reached it, a man sprinted toward them yelling, “Wait! Wait!”

They turned warily, hands on their guns.

A tall, gangly man stopped in front of them, gasping for breath. He was followed by the two club wielding men from before. Finally, he managed to gasp out, “Are you the owners of that military vessel?”

“We should’ve had that guy give the ship a new paint job,” Cedar muttered sidelong to Ashe. “Something that doesn’t scream ‘military’.” To the man, she said, “Yeah, it’s our ship, but we’re not military. We’re mutineers, I swear.”

The man shook his head. “You misunderstand. Let me explain, I am Harold Speckleman––”

Cedar snorted. “That’s a rather unfortunate name, isn’t it?”

Commander Ashe looked at her. “But your name is Cedar Rapids.”

“So?” Cedar demanded. “My name is a family name it implies strength and honor. His just has a sign on its back that says, ‘kick me’.” She glanced at Harold. “No offense.”

Harold scowled. “If I may continue?”

“If you must,” Cedar said. “But make it quick. We’re in a hurry.”

“I am the leader of a rebellion force,” Harold explained. “We need you to join us in our fight to reclaim the planet Demark. With your ship and military experience, we could easily triumph!”

Cedar and Ashe exchanged uneasy glances. “Listen,” Cedar said delicately, “as much as I believe in your cause––and I do, believe me––we just got out of one war. I don’t think any of us really want to go leaping right into another.”

Harold shook his head, smiling sadly. “You misunderstand again,” he said. “This is not a request.”

Cedar and Ashe reached for their guns, but the bigger men were quicker. They brought their clubs down on their two unfortunate victims’ heads, rendering them unconscious.

*******

Cedar awoke on the floor of a holding cell. She groaned and clutched her pounding head. She couldn’t find the strength yet to move or even open her eyes. “Ashe?” she called.

“Yes, Captain,” came a voice from above her.

“Are we dead yet?”

“No, Captain.”

“Dammit.”

She rolled onto her side and Ashe helped her to her feet. She winced and rubbed her tender head. They were in a plain, four-walled room: no windows, no furniture, one door. “Do we have an escape plan, yet?”

“No, Captain.”

“What? I’ve been lying here unconscious, giving you a chance to take some initiative, and you wasted it? This was your chance to prove yourself, man. To show you’ve got what it takes! You know, sloughing off is not the way to get promoted.”

“I’ve only been awake for a minute, Captain,” her second-in-command replied.

“Is that supposed to be an excuse?” she asked. She shook her head in disappointment. “I have to do everything, don’t I? Well, this doesn’t look so hard. We’ll just––” she was interrupted by the door sliding open, “wait for the door to open on its own.”

Harold and his two bodyguards strode in.

“Listen,” Cedar said, “if this is about that name thing, I’m really sorry. Speckleman is a fine name…I imagine.”

Harold frowned. “We need your help, Captain,” he told them. “We need you in the fight against the people that exiled us. Can’t you see, we’re fighting for our inalienable rights!”

“And we’d love to help, we really would, but we just can’t get involved right now,” Cedar explained.

Harold nodded sadly. “I thought you’d say that. That’s why I bribed the engineer you hired. He’s reprogrammed the A.I. to respond only to my commands. Your ship is going into battle, Captain. It’ll have a better chance of making it out with you flying it.”

Cedar sighed and looked at Ashe. “Looks like we’ve volunteered for another war, Commander,” Cedar remarked.

“How noble of us,” Ashe replied, dryly.

Harold grinned broadly. “I knew you’d see things my way. Now, the boys will escort you back to your ship. I’ll meet you there as soon as I’ve rallied the rest of our fleet.” Harold nodded to the guards, then turned and hurried off.

“Tell me something, Commander, and be honest,” Cedar said as their captors escorted them out of the cell. “Do I have a sign on my back that says, ‘Hey! Recruit me against my will to fight in your stupid war’? No, I’m serious, check because this is getting ridiculous.”

The Commander humored her and looked at her back. “No sign that I can see, Captain.”

Cedar sighed. “So,” she said to their captors, “how’s Mr. Smarty Pants?”

“We’re not supposed to talk to you,” the one wearing the Mr. Smarty Pants bag informed them.

“Our loss, I’m sure,” Cedar remarked.

“And if you try to escape,” the other added, “we’re supposed to bash you!” He demonstrated on his hand.

“Look,” Cedar said, “we’re in the Space age, not the Stone age. Here’re some credits. Go buy yourself some stun guns or something.”

The men shook their heads.

“Not allowed,” one said.

“Too many accidents,” the other added.

“I can see how that’d be a problem,” Cedar admitted.

They reached the ship. The engineer stood outside, waiting expectantly. “My payment?” he asked as they reached him.

Cedar pulled her captors aside. “Did Harold say anything about bashing us for, oh, say…beating someone about the head?”

The men stared at the ceiling, thinking hard. “No,” one finally answered.

“Okey-dokey, then.” Cedar marched back over to the turncoat engineer and punched him squarely in the jaw. “Consider yourself paid in full, pal.”

Her captors laughed heartily and chanted, “Do it again, do it again!”

Cedar shook out her sore hand. “Maybe later,”

They entered the ship and headed for the bridge.

The crew turned as Cedar, Ashe, and their two captors strode in. “Sorry guys,” Cedar said, “looks like we’ve volunteered for another war.”

There was a collective groan.

“I feel the same way,” Cedar assured them. “A.N.T.I. Nola,” she called. “How are you feeling?”

“Fine, Commander,” the ship replied. “Ready to serve my lord, Harold.”

“Bloody wonderful.” Cedar plopped into the Captain’s chair.

“I believe that’s my chair,” Harold said, appearing behind her.

“My apologies, Lord Speckleman,” Cedar said, rising deliberately from the chair.

Harold sat down proudly. “A.N.T.I. Nola, get my fleet captains on screen,” he commanded. A split screen of six men and women appeared. “Captain Rapids, my army.”

“Please tell me that these are squad leaders of at least a hundred,” Cedar begged.

“We have seven ships, counting this one,” Harold informed her, beaming proudly.

“You better have one doosie of a plan!”

Harold cleared his throat awkwardly. “Actually, I was hoping you could help us with that part.”

“Oh, boy.” Cedar sank to the floor and rested her head in her hands. “We’re gonna die.”

“Kill transmission,” Harold ordered quickly. “Captain! That isn’t very encouraging to the troops.”

“Neither is a fiery death!” Cedar shot back. She took a calming breath. “Look, I’ll help you on three conditions: one, you turn over control of your ‘army’ to me; two, in the very unlikely event that we win, you turn control of this ship back over to me, stock us with supplies––none of which better even resemble tofu––and send us on our merry way; and three, get out of my damn chair. Is that a deal?”

Harold stood solemnly. “Deal.”

*******

“A.N.T.I. Nola,” Harold called, “get my fleet on screen.” The faces appeared again. “Gentleman…and ladies, we have a plan.” He beamed at them.

Cedar stood. “I’ll take it from here, Harold.” She motioned to the Comms Officer and a map of the planet Demark replaced the view of the fleet commanders. “What you’re looking at is a map of Demark. The flashing red squares are the six relay stations for the orbiting defense system. Now, the plan is for The Unfortunate’s smaller fighters to go in and eliminate these relay stations. While they’re doing that, we’ll be creating a diversion by taking out those oh-so-annoying broadcast satellites. Which, as you can imagine, will draw the fire of the defense system. Questions? Comments?”

She waited; no response.

“Good. Now, the object of this game is to destroy the satellites without getting blown up ourselves. I suggest you duck and weave as much as possible. Serpentine, people, got it?”

She nodded to the Comms Officer.

“We’re relaying you your starting positions. They’re just outside Demark’s radar range, so stay exactly where they say to. When my ship moves forward and launches the fighters, that’s your signal to attack. Okay everybody? Good luck. End transmission, Nola.” Nothing happened.

“End transmission,” Harold commanded.

The picture faded.

Cedar scowled at him. “Do you have any idea how annoying that is? This would go a lot easier if you’d unlock my voice command authorization.”

“Ah, ah, ah,” Harold replied. “Then what would stop you from ordering A.N.T.I. Nola to kill me and abandon the fleet?”

“Not bloody much,” Cedar agreed. She took a deep breath. “Okay people, let’s do this.” She sat in her chair. “Helm, take us in.”

They crept slowly in so that they wouldn’t alert the defense system to any problems. As they passed Demark’s long-range sensors, the automated warning system radioed them to disarm their weapons. They got a second warning as they neared one of the broadcast satellites.

“Paint the target,” Cedar commanded. They received a warning that they were to disarm and stop targeting the satellite at once. “Prepare to launch fighters,” she announced. “Fire!” The satellite broke silently into a thousand tiny pieces. “Launch fighters! Evasive action!”

The fighters weaved directly through the satellite debris to avoid detection by the defense system. Meanwhile, The Unfortunate and the other ships were weaving through the lasers and destroying all the satellites they could.

Fascinated, Harold wandered closer to the view screen.

“Harold, get your head outta my way!” Cedar exclaimed. “Hard to port,” she shouted to the Helmsmen.

Harold stumbled back as a flash lit up the screen. “What was that?!”

Cedar looked to the Radar Crewmen for the answer.

“We just lost one of the Battle Cruisers,” a crewwoman informed them.

“It had to be one of the big ones!” Cedar lamented. “Get me ship to ship comms with whoever’s closest.”

“The Bellaphone, ma’am.” The comms officer replied.

“We have to launch rescue shuttles!” Harold exclaimed. “They’ll all die!”

“They’re already dead,” Cedar shot back. She turned her attention to the captain on her view screen. “I need you to cover both areas,” she told the captain. “I’ll make sure the fighters take out your sector’s relays first.”

The woman nodded. “Understood.”

“Radio the fighters,” Cedar commanded. “Tell them to take out the western relays first.”

*******

After nearly an hour of battle, the victorious ships set down, surrounding the capital city in the Demark National Forest. Smiley Boy––though he wasn’t very smiley at the moment––accompanied by seven other robed men, walked slowly and solemnly out to meet the ship. In the center of their group, they carried a large white flag. As Harold, Cedar, and Ashe disembarked, Smiley Boy bowed and said, “The officials of Demark surrender,”

“The Rebels of The Moon accept,” Harold replied. “Our first act as the new rulers of this planet is to banish all those who stood against us to the Forbidden Moon. Where they and their descendants will live in shame for all time.”

“Wait, wait, wait!” Cedar exclaimed. “You’ve finally got your equality and inalienable rights and, blah, blah, blah. Now you’re going to strip these people of theirs?!”

“Of course,” Harold replied. “It is only fair. They did it to us.”

“Yeah, but don’t you want to be the bigger man here?” Cedar demanded. “I mean, if you do this, aren’t you becoming just like them?”

“No,” Harold answered. “We’ll be the ones on the planet and they’ll be the exiled ones.”

“Yes, but up until now you’ve been the righteous party…kinda,” Cedar said. “But if you do this, they’re just going to get angry, mount their own rebellion, and do the exact same thing you just did.”

“What are you suggesting?” Harold demanded.

“This is a big planet. Why not just form your own city in a different part of the continent?” Cedar suggested. “You could live your own way and they could live theirs.”

Harold considered this and nodded slowly. “You have a point.” He turned to address the surrender party. “As acting leader of Demark, I declare that each man is free to live as he chooses…and each woman, as well.”

The members of the surrender party nodded in agreement. A spokesperson stepped forward. “If we had not exiled you, then you would not have attacked us. Therefore, we agree to coexist in peace from this day forward.”

“Uh, Harold,” Cedar interjected. “You promised us non-tofu rations,” she reminded him.

Harold nodded and sent one of the men off. “He’s gone to fetch a loading party. They’ll bring all the supplies you could ever need. Now if you’ll excuse us, we have much to discuss.”

Cedar stepped back as the men began to talk amongst themselves. “See, Commander? Didn’t I say everything would turn out all right?”

Ashe shot her a skeptical look and he walked off.

*******

Cedar personally supervised the loading of the rations. As advertised, there were no fatty or sugary foods, but most of it didn’t look too bad: fruit, vegetables, and all sorts of wholesome foods. When the last of the holds was full to the brim, Cedar returned to the bridge. “Okay,” she announced. “We’ve got food, the damage from that laser blast is repaired, let’s get outta here before someone else decides to have a war.”

“Captain, what about A.N.T.I. Nola?” Commander Ashe asked.

“Right! That little weasel forgot to fix her. Get him on the comms!”

Harold’s face appeared a few seconds later. “Captain, were the supplies to your liking?”

“Yeah, yeah,” Cedar replied. “Look, come unlock my ship so I can leave before some other idiot decides to have a war.”

Harold ignored the implied insult. “Of course, Captain. I’ll be there momentarily.”

“I was kinda hoping he’d back outta the deal,” Cedar confessed when he hung up. “I really wanted to hit him.”

“We all do, Captain,” Ashe assured her.

Harold, dressed in a regal gold and white robe, strode onto the deck a few minutes later. As always, he was followed by the Moron Twins, still brandishing clubs. “Captain, the former leaders of Demark and I have reached a peaceful agreement and it’s largely thanks to you.”

“Special. Unlock my ship.”

“A.N.T.I. Nola,” Harold called out.

“Yes, my lord?”

Cedar rolled her eyes.

“I’m authorizing you to follow Captain Rapid’s orders,” Harold continued. “Understood?”

“Yes, my lord. Rewriting command program now.”

“Thanks,” Cedar said. “Now get off my ship. We’re leaving.”

“You could stick around awhile,” Harold offered. “We’re about to launch a joint campaign to enforce our beliefs of tolerance on the neighboring star systems.”
“Let me get this straight, you’re going to impose your belief system of tolerating other belief systems on others?”

“That’s right,” Harold replied, obviously not seeing the irony in the situation.

“Whatever,” Cedar exclaimed. “Just get off my ship.”

Harold shrugged and turned to go. He stopped as his two bodyguards made no move to go. “Are you two coming?”

“We want to stay,” one of them informed him.

“Yeah, we like this captain better. She hits people,” the other added.

They both turned to Cedar. “Can we stay?”

Cedar shrugged. “Sure. In fact, do me a favor and throw Harold off of my ship.”

“Okay!” The men enthusiastically grabbed Harold by the arms and carried him off.

Cedar hurried to her chair. “Get me a view of the hatchway. I want to see this.” The view screen came to life just in time for Cedar to see Harold land with a satisfying thump on the grass. “Boy, that felt good!” Cedar exclaimed. “Close the hatch. And get me shipwide comms.”

“Shipwide, ma’am,” the Comms Officer announced.

“Strap in, everybody,” Cedar announced. “And wave bye-bye to this crappy little planet.”

“Lift off as soon as Lord Speckleman is clear,” she commanded. “In fact, lift off a few seconds before he’s clear.”

Commander Ashe shot her an alarmed look.

Cedar sighed. “Fine. Belay that last order.”

The Moron Twins returned to the bridge. “We threw him good.”

“I saw,” Cedar replied. “You were very good, boys. Why don’t you take Mr. Smarty Pants down to the galley and get yourselves a treat?”

The huge men lumbered happily off the bridge.

“Set course for…really-bloody-far-away-from-here,” Cedar commanded.

*******

Cedar fell from her bunk as the ship shuddered. “What was that?” she demanded over her comms. “Not the oxygen again?”

“Tractor beam, Captain,” came the reply. “We’re being pulled in!”

“Into what?” she demanded, struggling into her uniform.

The answer came in the form of a ship to ship address: “Inhabitants of the vessel The Unfortunate, you have been chosen to be to defend the honorable Gentari Empire in its holy war against––”

“You gotta be bloody kiddin’ me!” Cedar exclaimed.

The End